Fortune Cookie Soap: A Really Long Retrospective

I’d like to think I make good decisions. I got the ‘Everyone Lives’ ending in Until Dawn on the first try, so my instincts are pretty good in the life choices department.

Then 3:00 AM comes along and I wake up to a paypal reciept in the inbox and a package in the mail a few days later. I think may I have a sleep-shopping problem.

A frequent flyer in my sleep-induced impulse buying is Fortune Cookie Soap, a company you may have heard of if you following any beauty guru. They create unique bath + body products and have a seasonal subscription box, as well as collections throughout the year. Now, I’ve never ordered a soap box and I’ll get to why in a minute, but before I do, Disclaimer: This is not really a review, since most of the stuff I will be talking about is discontinued. This will be more of a retrospective of what I’ve bought from them.

Also, This post long as fuck.

So, I’m going to break this down into three parts: The Site, The Shipping, and The Products. I’m not going to go into Customer Service because I’ve never had to call Customer Service.

Site

The site itself is pretty easy to navigate and it has a launch calendar to let you know when their boxes and collections come out, as well as when they ship.
There is an rewards system, where you get 1 point for every dollar you spend, 100 points ($5 off) being the minimum. What’s great is that they give you 50 points for joining and a bonus 50 for every friend referral.
The only downside is that the site crashes during launches like if Comic Con tickets were going on sale, and by the time you do get on everything is pretty much sold out. This might just be me and my shitty laptop, because I asked a few friends about it and they said they didn’t have any problems.

Shipping

The shipping time for these bad boys is insanely fast. Like, I’m pretty sure they’ve hired witches or something for this. I think the only time I’ve had to wait for more than a week was when they were moving house, and they made sure to keep everyone ‘In the Loop’ oh so punny… with updates on their instagram. Usually it takes between 3-6 days to get my orders. My recent order was the fastest, it got to me in a little less than 48 hours.

When I got the products, they were wrapped up pretty well and I haven’t had an issue with anything melting even during the summer months. The orders sometimes came with free samples, like a whipped cream (Body Butter) or a Bath Bomb.

Products

Okay… here’s where things get hairy …yes that was another pun and really long.

The products have been kind of hit or miss for me, which is one of the reasons I’m reluctant to order a soap box. The products that are good are really really good, but the bad ones are like “wow, I’m not sure my hair is supposed to do that.” There were also products that left me totally confused, like, what is happening right now?

I’ll start off with the hits:

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Cinnamon Rolled Fortune Cookie Soap

What They Say: Your entire bathroom will smell like cinnamon rolls and your spouse will probably expect breakfast to be ready when he or she wakes up – beware though, once you are out of the shower, they could try to take a bite out of your oh-so-sexy-flesh once they get a whiff of you! 
What I Say: 
They are not joking around when they say your bathroom will smell like cinnamon rolls. The cinnamon sugar smell is potent on this bad boy, almost to a point where you can feel a stomachache coming on. Fortunately, it fades to a lingering sweet scent, so you don’t have to smell like the cinnamon roll equivalent of a little baby’s ice cream commercial.

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‘There’s No Place Like Home’ Leave-in Conditioner

What They Say: Curled Macintosh apple peels lovingly kissed with a hint of cinnamon, allspice and clove, make this fragrance warm and cozy, just like home “– as long as home’s not in Kansas! 😉
What I Say: Oh my god, how I miss this stuff. It had my hair smelling like a Caramel Apple Spice ALL FREAKIN’ DAY. When I finished this, I filled it with water just to get some more time with this glorious smell.
The only thing I noticed was that I had to wash my hair more often and I don’t know why… But whatever, with this and cinnamon rolled, I walked out of my house smelling like how I imagine Bag End must smell like. 10/10. DO WANT AGAIN.

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In the Loop Whipped Cream

What They Say: When you dip your fingers into this little jar, you will not only see a huge difference in the texture, but the smell will become your addiction. It’s sweet, it’s a little salty, it’s definitely fruity what is that familiar scent? Well folks, it’s your favorite Fruity cereal! This little body butter was inspired by all of the rainbow colors that toucan has on his beak!
What I Say: How… How the…. How did they do it? It smells EXACTLY like Fruit Loops, down to the weird feeling you get in the back of your nose that I thought was unique to Fruit Loops. And this smell lasts forever. It kind of makes me wonder what the hell am I putting in my body when I eat Fruit Loops.

cupcake

Cupcake Solid Shampoo and Conditioner

What They Say: Mmmmmm CAKE!
What I Say: Mmmmmm CAKE! This was initially in my bottom three when I started, but I think that’s because I didn’t know how to use it properly. When I finally got the hang of it, I really liked it. Again, I found myself having to wash my hair more often, but the smell stays in my hair for a good long while.

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Oogie Boogie OCD

What They Say: A mix of smushed winter berries against a backdrop of sweet muted cinnamon.
What I Say: This Hand Sanitizer smells exactly like stepping into one of those kitschy Christmas Stores with Alvin and The Chipmunks playing in the background. It smells of cinnamon pine cones made of candy canes. Never have I been happier accidentally ordering two.

Now for the misses. Spoiler Alert: Most of this is from their Peter Pan and Alice Collections.

DISAPPOINTED

“There’s No Place Like Home” Bar Soap (Discontinued)

What They Say: Curled Macintosh apple peels lovingly kissed with a hint of cinnamon, allspice and clove, make this fragrance warm and cozy, just like home “– as long as home’s not in Kansas! 😉
What I Say: I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. This soap hurt me in a way I have never been hurt before. I was so excited when I got this soap and when I first smelled that familiar scent of Caramel Apple Spice, I stepped right into that shower.
I was so naive.
As soon as I got the soap wet, the warm smell I had grown to love had dripped down my red glitter covered body, until all I was left with was the stench of cold hard chemicals. With every wipe against my skin, the soap would leave a filmy residue in its wake. I left that shower feeling unclean and grief-stricken and have not used a FCS bar soap since then.

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Futterwacken Leave in Conditioner

What They Say: Sun warmed lilies brightened with a splash of grapefruit and a breath of fresh air.
What I Say: First off, splash of grapefruit? More like a tsunami. Secondly, I don’t know if it was because I got a bad batch, but it was impossible to use in the spray bottle it comes in. It was too thick to spray, but too thin to use in a pump bottle. I ended up giving it to my sister, because she apparently loves being punched in the face with the smell of grapefruit.

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Almost Alice Deep Conditioner Treatment

What They Say: Fresh green snap peas and juicy pears brighten this bouquet of sweet pea flowers, and freesia, sprinkled with ripe berries.
What I Say: Not gonna lie, this smells like an old lady… but like a cool one, with pink hair. My main issue with the product is that my hair felt dirtier after using it than it did prior. After using this product, running my hand through my hair left my hands feeling like I just ate six bags of potato chips, without stopping. My hair was just Severus Snape levels of oily.

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Butter Beer OCD and Whipped Cream

What They Say: Seriously, fall under the influence of this intoxicating scent of rum with base notes of creamy buttery toffee, you won’t regret it the next morning!
What I Say: I’m glad I only got the sample sizes of these. This Smells like Bertie Botts Barf Flavored Jelly Bean. Actually no, between the sickly butterscotch smell and the alcohol from the sanitizer, It smells like waking up in your common room covered in a butter beer induced vomit and Mrs Norris’ hair balls.

SotM

The ‘Straight On Till Morning’ Collection:
This collection, man. This collection was supposed to be about the boy who never grew up and ended up smelling like little 90s girls who want to grow up fast.

Tink! Whipped Cream
What They Say: Fresh cherries in cream, sprinkled with toasted coconut and a fairy dusting of powder sugar
What I Say: The Tink! Body Butter smells like making out with someone wearing cheap, glittery, gloopy cherry lip-gloss in the Mervyn’s Parking lot. If you’re looking for something to remind you of you’re glorious tween year regrets, then Tink! is the body cream for you.

The Captain Whipped Cream
What They Say: Dewy magnolias and wild berries drenched with fresh cream
What I Say: This smells like regret. It smells like Cheap vanilla and Post-Homecoming regrets.

Second Star to the Right OCD
What They Say: Crushed berries and mint leaves with a splash of sparkling pomelo, served over iced sugarcane,
What I Say: The smell that come changes from a fourteen year old girl who just spent her lunch hour trying on every single perfume in the mall at the same time, to a fourteen year old boy going on his first date and didn’t know how much cologne to use.
What my Mother Just Walked In And Said: Why does it smell like men’s perfume and cigarettes?

The Boy Who Never Grew Up Hydrate Me
What They Say: Boys don’t want to grow up – girls just want to have fun!  Why can’t we have both?! Tropical margarita — served with a salted rim.
What I Say: Wine Coolers. This smells like getting drunk off of wine coolers. Also I hate the feeling of it on my skin. It’s an oil/lotion hybrid that makes me feel all slippery and sweaty and gross, but without the actually sweating part.

The final two are… weird. I don’t hate them, in fact, I quite like them. They’re just… weeeeeeiiiiiiirrd.

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Polyjuice Potion Whipped Cream

What They Say: Fragranced with a magical blend of fresh oranges, grapefruit, strawberries, ripe melon, peaches and kiwi;..sprinkled with a touch of sugar.
What I Say: ah, yeah, I guess citrus, maybe? To be honest, It smells like one of those an old lime candies that’s hiding in your grandmother’s sewing box.

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Recently Deceased Whipped Cream

What They Say: Halloween candy corn, sweetened with campfire marshmallows.
What I Say: Wow, no. That’s wrong. That’s not what it smells like at all. Let me tell you what this smells like. This smells like you just walked out of an esoteric bookstore on a full moon night with the supplies you need to wake some dead guys. the scent slowly transitions from musky incense to the dried carnations you smell while walking through the graveyard, looking for the perfect body to resurrect. This is not Candy Corn sweetness, oh no, they got that wrong. This is black nails, bird sculls, Dimbleby and Capper Remix of Woman Scorned playing in the distance.
This, my dears, is a fucking experience.
Andit’salsosoldoutFUCK.

Final Thoughts

Would I order from FCS again: Probably, yeah. They do offer Sampler Packs of their Soap and Whipped Cream products, which is a great way for me to try something I’m not sure about. I also now know I really hate spring/summer smells.

Would I order a soap box: eeeeehhhh, I don’t know, I really iffy on it. I don’t own a bathtub, so anything that’s bathtub related not going to a friend, and I don’t want to risk a 50/50 chance of hating half of the stuff. Maybe I’f I see something that’s predominantly cinnamon sugar and apples, I’ll get it (I JUST WANT TO SMELL LIKE BAG END AGAIN).

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